Still Here? (Taking Stock, Tom)

Is anyone still here?

I'm sure that anyone who has been reading this blog (thank you, both of you) would ask the same thing. It's been a month since I last put anything up, in Internet time, that's an eternity.

I wasn't intentionally not blogging, but any post I thought about, I mentally edited until I had myself convinced that it wasn't worth typing. Nevertheless, I remember that when I was posting regularly, I felt better. I was doing better. I have fallen off numerous wagons over the few months, and it's time to get back on them, one by one.

How Am I?
I'm...still grieving. This shouldn't come to anyone's surprise. And I know that the events of the past year will never completely heal. That's just the way we're made. And yet, I'm ready to stop hurting. I'm not trying to forget Ian; I look at pictures and video too much for that to happen. But, I'm just tired of the grief and the emotional pain.

To that end, I've been letting myself get very distracted. Everyone has their own addictions. Mine is entertainment. A month ago, in a moment of weakness, I bought an XBox 360. A more accurate term for this device would be "time sink". It didn't help matters that one of the first games I purchased was perhaps the most engaging game I have every played. Only lately have I been able to consciously not turn the blasted thing on when I have a few free moments. And it doesn't help that the thing will play Netflix movies over the 'Net.

What Am I Doing?
I'm busy in other areas. I've started Phase II of Heart of a Warrior, called Focus of a Warrior. It's a nine month program that is designed to help me narrow down why I've been put on this earth. Also, I'm back playing bass (and, hopefully, other instruments) in the music ministry at our church. There are house projects galore that are being addressed. Oh, yeah--and my job is in the busiest season of the year.

What Has Been My Input?
I've been reading, at least as much as I ever have. I finished Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller fairly quickly. I also buzzed through Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. At the moment, I'm reading unChristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons. All three of these books seem to be God's way of telling me that a change is coming.

The biggest part of me wants to put This Bloody Season behind me and rest. I'm tired, and I want to relax. I want to stay in my basement, enjoy my little addiction and let the world rot. It has disappointed me; I'll just wait for the next one, thank you very much. But that's not what I signed up for. And, ultimately, I know that it won't satisfy or bring me joy. Happiness, yes. But, to paraphrase C.S. Lewis, if I want happiness, I can go find it in a bottle of beer and a game. Ultimately, I do want more. Or, more accurately, I want to want more.

To that end, the next book in my queue is When I Don't Desire God by John Piper. I've read the first chapter, and immediately backed off. I recognized that this book cannot be read then put aside, at least if I want to gain anything from it. I'm going to have to read this one slowly, and mentally chew on it. I'll probably approach it like I did my penultimate life-changing book, Victory Over the Darkness by Neil Anderson. If it's going to do me any good, I will need to read each chapter two or three times, highlighting and making notes in the margin as I go. I'll need to write down questions for myself. The bottom line is that either God (not his creation, but God Himself) is not only able to satisfy, but will bring me the highest form of joy, or not. I believe the question for that one is answered by only me. Am I willing to forgo other pleasures in order to find my complete joy in Him?

I guess I'll find out. I told a friend about this book, and she requested that I blog about it as I read it. I can see that being a helpful way to process through the material. So, I guess you will find out, too.

PS -- If you clicked on some of the book links above, then I hope you'll agree; Amazon owes me something...