Deb’s Journey…

February 23, 2010

Jason Gray honoring Ian…

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Jason Gray wrote a very “Ian honoring” post on his blog this morning and I wanted to share it with you… http://jasongraymusic.wordpress.com/

This past weekend I found myself face to navel with one of my favorite musicians -Jason Gray. (Truth be told, I was an absolute klutz and literally stepped on his toes trying to hug him when he first arrived at our house.) He’s a giant of a man physically (6’6”), but also in his spirit. He’s so talented as a singer/songwriter, authentic & transparent, gentle, kind and wonderfully gracious. The Lord Jesus has taken up residence in his heart and being with Jason is a little taste of what heaven is gonna be like. Jesus is obviously his refuge & fortress, so he doesn’t seem to find a need to build his own walls …he draws us in and makes us feel accepted and safe…even when we step on his toes.   :)   He makes me want to be a better person, shows me what is possible if I can let go of my masks & fears…he’s genuine…the world needs more genuine people like him …I pray to emulate that.  We were introduced to Jason’s music last summer and God has used it to minister to our grieving, broken hearts, to speak truth in a gentle way that is bringing hope & healing.

We connected with Jason last fall to do a house concert for us. Our hope was that we could commemorate Ian’s baptism anniversary last November, but that didn’t work for Jason’s busy schedule so he asked if February would work for us…we were stunned and not sure we could emotionally handle doing a February event, but we prayed and asked if the 19th would fit with his schedule…when it did, we knew that the Lord Himself had given us a way to survive the last of our “stinkin’ firsts” in a year of grief. We were so blessed and honored to have Jason come to our home! We put the word out and were amazed that 74 responded “yes” to our invitation…the night was magical and I still haven’t absorbed it…it still feels “huge” and surreal to me in an overwhelming, beautiful way…thanks to everyone who had a hand in it and for all those friends who were servants that night!  And a VERY SPECIAL THANKS to God’s vessel- Jason Gray who I’m delighted I’ll spend eternity with.  :)

If you haven’t yet had the joy of experiencing Jason’s music, I encourage you to check out his website www.jasongraymusic.com
Here are just a few of my personal favorite lyrics from his songs…though I encourage you to buy all his music and enjoy it for yourself!

“Blessed be… the ones who know that they are weak they shall see the Kingdom come to the broken ones…blessed be. Thirsty…like you’re drinking from a salt sea but one day you’ll be satisfied. Hungry…for the taste of mercy aching just to have your fill one day you will…” – “Blessed Be” from All the Lovely Losers & Acoustic Storytime


“I was afraid to be weak, afraid to be me I was afraid because I didn’t want them to see what’s broken in me. But I guess I was wrong I should have known all along…when I’m weak You are strong in me. You make up what I lack, You shine through the cracks where I was shattered because You pour out Your grace through my broken places. So I won’t be afraid to cry, confess or question why, I won’t hide the pain I feel now I know these wounds are how You heal…” –
“Weak” from All the Lovely Losers & Acoustic Storytime


“Oooh, all I see are the ruins as the smoke starts to clear…I hope You know what You’re doin’ ‘cause You brought me here…And if it’s hard to raise the white flag it’s even harder to believe that surrendering is worth the sacrifice as the very thing I always feared would be the death of me was a way to come alive. Now it hurts to be this broken but it’s bearable somehow as the chance to prove I’m worthy disappears. I’ve always heard You loved me, but I think I know it now…is that the reason why You brought me here?…”-
“The reasons why You brought me here” from Acoustic Storytime


“Careful not to go too fast you may spin out of control…even when you’ve done it right there’s still no guarantee that you won’t fall…if I could, I’d break your every fall but if you never fell you’d never learn to get back up again, my child- you must learn to get back up again, and again, and again” –
“Learning to ride a bike” from Hoping


“What would I give for my children’s strength on the day that they stand alone? I mean what would I give for their strength to stand firm? I’d give everything that I own. I’ve wasted my life in accomplishing things, ignoring the Giver of wings. So Lord teach them to fly to the foot of Your throne I’ll give everything that I own…” –
“Everything I own” from All the Lovely Losers & Acoustic Storytime


“You don’t have to give me an answer, an answer’s the last thing I need. There’s no magical cure for this cancer I just need you to listen to me…this dark room is perfect for hiding but I don’t want to hide anymore…you can’t force the light here inside it, but you can help me open the door…you’re the one holding the key…the key to the truth of what’s really going on, your listening ear is the grace of God, love will take the shackles off…” –
“Holding the Key” from Everything Sad is Coming Untrue


“When we step aside from the center of our lives and learn to love mercy more than being right. Pursuing peace and honesty starting down the road of selflessness and seeing where it leads…All I know is there’s a better way to live…it’s not the love you have but the love you have to give…” – “
Better way to Live” from Everything Sad is Coming Untrue


“When you’re tired of holding on to hope, but scared to death of letting go when there’s no burden like the truth and faith hurts like an open wound…take it to the healing hands, take it to the One who builds the mountains take it to the One who stirs the ocean tides, take it to my Father’s heart that’s broken by the burden that I carry…He will take me by the hand and lead me to the other side…” - “
When the stars fall from the sky” from Everything Sad is Coming Untrue “special edition”


“Another nail in another coffin, arms that held you return to dust. Yet in our grief we know that death must be a liar for no goodbye is ever good enough. How could it be that everything sad is coming untrue? The winter can make us wonder if spring was ever true, but every winter breaks upon the Easter lily’s bloom…oh I believe that everything sad is coming untrue in the hands of the One who makes all things new…” – “
Everything Sad is Coming Untrue (Part 2)” from Everything Sad is Coming Untrue

February 18, 2010

Mission (im)POSSIBLE

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 10:30 am

I’ve been thinking of Ian. A year ago today was our last day with him on this earth…

I remember that morning, my soul had wrestled through the night with God and hadn’t really rested, I got up early - Tom & mom said go back to bed for while …God was asking the “impossible” of me and had been asking it for months! “Your assignment, should you choose to accept it…” I knew my assignment “Walk Ian Home” but the time was drawing near and I knew it…I wasn’t sure I could stand it…I had begged the Lord for Ian “no pain - no fear for him please Lord!” God graciously agreed and was faithful to my pleading. For Ian there was no fear and no pain…but for me, for Tom, for my mom who was with us…well, that was another story…there is agonizing pain, trembling exertion and great sacrifice in completing an assignment…Jesus knows this all too well. He assured me again that I could trust Him with my most precious treasure…I again surrendered my son to my Lord and fell asleep for a couple of hours…

I awoke and came downstairs to find mom & Tom in a panic…Ian had choked on his breakfast and particles of food had caught in his windpipe. One of our great fears was a lung infection, so we knew this wasn’t a good sign. We called the hospice nurse.  She showed us how to help better clear his airway… She tried to assure us that even though there was a slight rattle to his breathing, he was doing well…we weren’t convinced…

We were in our most desperate hours and our Great Physician was our only hope. The night before Ian had cried out to Jesus and from that time on, his spirit was peaceful…he talked with us some…he was restful that day which helped us remain calmer also. We sat with him talked with him and kept him comfortable. When night fell we prayed with him, hugged and kissed him goodnight and told him we loved him…we could understand his words of “I love you too”… Ian went to sleep peacefully.

After Ian was asleep, Pastor Scott came and prayed with us. Together we all sat in the family room and committed Ian to the Lord, we surrendered him to the One who loves him best and who could make him whole and well. When our bedtime came around, Tom took the night shift…he had checked on Ian just before midnight and noticed some labored breathing, so he helped him get more comfortable and returned to his own bed. A few minutes later he checked again and Ian was very peaceful but no longer drawing breath in this world…

Pastor Scott returned to spend the darkest parts of the night with us…we were so grateful for his gentle presence…I remember he said “this is hard” and I said “this is impossible”…

This was mission impossible…refusing it was not an option…the only choice was to accept it as the will of God for all of us.  To trust that if there had been a better way to accomplish His ultimate purposes He would have chosen that and what He called us to, He would go with us,  give all we needed to get through it…somehow making it possible, not because we could somehow whiteknuckle our way through it- there was no human way we could, so we had to surrender and let Him do it…

I’ve never been more desperate in my life, more helpless, more inadequate, more needy, more afraid, more anguished…yet I’ve honestly never felt His Presence more …never felt more strength, more provision, more protection, more peace…yes, more joy.  Never more fully glimpsed eternity…

When the dawn arrived, mom and I stood looking out the back windows into the woods behind our home. We marveled as a bald eagle flew over the house…I had never seen one fly over before and I’ve never seen one since…It reminded us of one of the brave little mouse movies Ian spent so much time watching “The Rescuers Down Under”…it reminded us of this clip…

“You have seen for yourselves … you saw how I carried you on the wings of eagles and brought you to Myself.”- Exodus 19: 4

God is so amazingly gracious to allow faith to be made sight…how good and loving He is…He knows all too well the anguish of a parent being apart from a beloved child…He knows very intimately our suffering because He experienced it first…His sacrifice makes ours not only bearable, but possible.

February 2, 2010

Getting back on the “Hope Train”…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 9:06 am

Grief has washed fresh over me so often over the past couple of weeks…walking through these dates again this year brings back last year’s “dark, cold winter” and a flood of memories…perspective & focus shifters have been essential…

Pastor Scott has been talking through a series on the promises of God.  On Sunday he preached on God’s Deliverance.

“No temptation/trial  has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted/tried beyond what you can bear.  But when you are tempted/tried,  He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” - 1 Corinthians 10:13

I have definitely experienced the biggest trial of my life (or at least I hope there will never be a bigger one) and more and more we hear stories of other families who have or are walking this path-it is unfortunately all too common…with this trial has come temptation to despair, to give up, to whine, to worship at the alters of other gods - like food… and I confess there are many times when I give into that…but even in my faithlessness, God has faithfully provided “ways of escape” to help me stand up under this…I try to keep watch for those “exit ramps” and do my best to take them when I see them… this morning He brought me this word…a fresh dose of hope…”oxygen” to the soul!…

Get on the Hope Train - by James MacDonald

The Weekly Walk

“Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” - Romans 5:2-5

As followers of Jesus, we need to keep thinking and talking about hope. But hope in itself doesn’t mean much without an object. Hope must have a target. It’s not typical to hope in Jesus Christ. It is typical to hope in my finances, my family, my career, or my marriage. I can hope in a leader or cause. We put our hope in many things other than in Christ. But we learn that none of those things are worthy of our ultimate hope. None of them! The only reliable place to rest our hearts is in Jesus Christ. But that hope is not intuitive - or normal. Hoping may be a habit, but we have to learn to hope in Christ.

The word hope means “a confident expectation of something better.” Hope in Christ realizes, “Hey! My best days are ahead of me. Life isn’t all in the rearview mirror for me now. In Christ I’ve got some things I’m looking forward to - not just in this life, but in the life to come.” That kind of self-talk stirs up hope within us.

It’s important to recognize the battle that we’re facing and practice the hope that we find in our King. Learning implies a training process. It’s trial and error. You’re like, “Yeah, I kind of got off the Hope Train this week.” Get back on! That’s why we come to church. Hope training is why we hang out with other Christians. I don’t know what you are feeling today, but if you kind of got off the Hope Train, climb back on!

Now that means we intentionally exchange doubt for hope. Instead of discouragement and despair, we choose hope. I think we need to look to other people who are good models of hope. I am aware of a woman in our church who I have watched over the last couple of years. I have prayed earnestly from a distance as she has gone through an awful circumstance in her family - with no end in sight. Yet she has strengthened many people with her stalwart faith and unyielding joy in the Lord. The examples of other believers’ lives are all around us. These people may not be perfect, but they challenge us to do better. And you can’t know how much staying on the Hope Train will encourage others.

January 29, 2010

Prayer Request…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 8:15 am

I’m feeling very alone and pretty discouraged.  Perhaps others don’t understand me because I don’t exactly understand myself…

This past year has been bloody hell.  Without question the most painful year of my life.  The vast majority of this past year has been an internal journey…just me with God.  Sometimes just me…not because God went anywhere, but because I haven’t always embraced His presence…He has remained faithful even when I have not.  His attitude toward me has been open and loving…but I can’t say the same about my attitude toward Him…sometimes I’m incredibly hostile…sullen…whiny…closed…confused…angry…I eat junk food…spend entirely too much time on the computer…keep odd hours…it’s kind of  like being a teenager.  Tom has been patient…he understands better than anyone that grief is a solitary journey…we do our best to walk near one another and give each other grace…

Not sure when or sometimes if this season will end…or how it will end…or what the next season will look like…it’s just one day at a time…I used to be a planner…that’s not really possible now…can’t seem to think very far ahead.  I try to get involved in things and then I drop balls all over the place cause I can’t concentrate or stay focused…I fear I’m frustrating to others right now…

It’s strange and challenging to be with others.  I used to be fairly relational, yet over this past year that really hasn’t been overly possible for me.  Relationships take work…they require energy…they require the ability to not only receive, but to offer…yeah, I’ve been pretty unable to offer much to others this year.

I would desire not to injure others…to “do no harm”…yet I would also seek to protect my broken heart from further injury.

It’s a quandary…how to relate to others without hurting them or getting hurt in return…how to have the courage to love…

C.S. Lewis said “Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable…The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell”

Praying for the strength and energy to reach out and to be willing to allow others to enter…praying for the courage it will take to risk loving again…

January 19, 2010

Happy 1/2 birthday Buddy Bear!

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 7:42 am

Today would have been Ian’s half birthday…8 1/2…when you have a summer birthday your 1/2 birthday is REALLY important because that’s when you celebrate with your school friends…

It’s hard not to think about last year…on Jan. 19th last year we had to take Ian to get his last MRI…then we went to Cossettas for lunch and to see the “Tale of Despereax” again…Ian LOVED brave little mice stories.  He had read the whole book by himself…it was a chapter book…not bad for a first grader!

Just one month later he flew Home to Jesus…he’s been with Jesus for 11 months today…

I had a dream about Ian last night that he snuggled up beside me and went to sleep…I just got to hold him and stoke his hair…my arms and heart have ACHED for that!!!  Somehow though when I woke up my arms were empty, but my heart was not quite so empty…God is gracious to give those moments to me…and I am grateful…but I still ache in missing my dear little boy.

My heart finds comfort only in the knowledge that Ian is perfectly whole and well  - loved beyond my abilities and safe forever…I don’t want him here on earth where he could be harmed and sick…no…but I LONG to be where he is and know the things he knows and see the things he sees, to go on great adventures with him…I could wish nothing greater for my son than for him to live at Home with my King.  My Lord sent His Son here…so that my son could go there…amazing love…

January 18, 2010

Jehovah Jirah - My Provider!

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Can I tell you an amazing story? I’m so excited I just have to share…
I opened my Saturday mail a few minutes ago and received a card from World Vision telling us that someone has amazingly donated a traditional well in Ian’s honor - the whole well! I’m blown away!

Somehow I kept sensing the need was bigger…for clean water…and then this thing with Haiti happened…yet in my own limited vision I thought oh, a well would be a great goal and I couldn’ t release that, so God said “fine - here, now can we move forward with MY plans?” I’m on my face today…God is at work…He provides and He moves…it’s AMAZING to watch His plans unfold…  check out Ian’s  fund raising page to see our new goal…

Plus it’s Jason Gray’s birthday today and he’s coming to our house one month from tomorrow to mark the year anniversary of Ian’s homegoing…Jason’s message is “Everything Sad is Coming Untrue” God is unfolding that all around us…it’s incredible to watch!

Because He lives,
deb

January 13, 2010

Deb’s life 1993- Present “Readers Digest version”

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January 1st, 2010  I joined Facebook.   Lots of re-connecting with folks I haven’t seen in 17+ years…it’s odd…yet good.  Early interactions always read like a resume…it’s hard to re-cap that many years into a few sentences…but here goes…

My husband Tom & I met “online” in Feb 1993 while at separate colleges - before it was popular…before there was even a world wide web…we met while “chatting” on a bulletin board system out of the University of Iowa called ISCA…We both moved to MN that summer.  We met in person at the MN Zoo in June…were engaged summer 1994 and married in May 1995.  I worked odd jobs mostly in the area of administration/bookkeeping.  Tom is a computer programmer and a bass player…

In April 2000 we miscarried at 13 weeks - our midwife said “twins”… In July 2001 God gave us a son,  we named him -  Ian Thomas.   The name “Ian” means God is gracious.  I had the joy of staying home with him.  Ian was all boy - loved all rodents, trains, trucks, building things with Legos, running, climbing, and had a wonderful imagination.  When Ian turned 3 he needed more peer interaction and so did I,  so I went to work a couple days a week at our church… helping with the small group ministries - something that has become a passion of mine.

On what would have been Ian’s Kindergarten graduation day he was diagnosed with a brain tumor in May 2008.  He battled bravely with “courage & kindness“.  He came to know & love Jesus that summer - was baptized that November and went to live forever with Jesus in February 2009 - he lived 7 perfect years + 7  months.  We are comforted to know he’s safe always, whole & well - indeed “God IS gracious!”  You can read more about Ian on:  Ian’s Caring Bridge Site

Tom and I have surrendered our hearts to the Lord in this…we’ve together and separately had to lay down our dreams for what we thought our life would look like…we’re not really sure where we’ll  go from here, only that we’ll go together…we’ve discovered that we’re not “masters  of our own fates” and we don’t want to be “captains of our own souls”…we’ve discovered that God alone knows what tomorrow holds…that nothing takes Him by surprise and we’re thankful that He promises never to leave us as we move forward…

One way we’re moving forward is by honoring our son’s life values of  “courage and kindness”.  To mark the one year anniversary of Ian’s homegoing we are raising money through World Vision to build a well in a community that doesn’t currently have access to clean water.  To learn more click here.  We’re also hosting a house concert that night and Jason Gray will be coming to our home.  His music has ministered deeply to us this year and we’re so honored he is willing and available to come.

Beyond that…I haven’t a c l u e…more and more I’m learning to live one day at a time…

January 6, 2010

My prayer for 2010…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 6:47 am

I woke with this song in my head and want it to be the cry of my heart this year.

“Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Search me and try me, Master, today!
Whiter than snow, Lord, wash me just now,
As in Thy presence humbly I bow.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Wounded and weary, help me, I pray!
Power, all power, surely is Thine!
Touch me and heal me, Savior divine.

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Hold o’er my being absolute sway!
Fill with Thy Spirit ’till all shall see
Christ only, always, living in me.”

~Stebbins/ Pollard

December 28, 2009

Broken Shells…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 3:02 pm

Reflecting on the quiet gentle beauty of the past week.  The locals in Ft. Myers thought it was “cold”, but the range was 50 - 80 to us,  it was lovely.  We enjoyed beautiful sunsets, rich desserts, watching dolphins play, touring Thomas Edison’s laboratories, but mostly we daily enjoyed the beaches…lounging, reading, walking, talking, watching the birds and looking for shells…

Our first day at the beach we looked and longed for “perfect” shells…that night browsing at a local bookstore I found a book that inspired & made me weep…

“Dawn has broken on a beautiful day here at the ocean.  I’ve come to refresh my weary spirit and to refuel my tired soul.  I’m so grateful for the peaceful calm of the seashore, where time stands still and unrushed…where I can see and feel the beauty all around me.  This is my first morning at the ocean, and as I walk to the beach, feeling the rich warm sand beneath my feet, I decide to collect a few shells.  I walk by a broken shell and leave it to search for more perfect ones…but I stop…go back…and pick up the broken shell.  I realize that this shell is me with my broken heart…this shell has had to fight so hard to keep from being totally crushed by the pounding surf…just as I have had to…yet this shell is out on the beautiful sandy shore…just as I am.

Broken shells have been tested and tried, each one has it’s own special beauty…it’s own unique pattern.  I watch the rolling surf toss new shells onto the shore and I am reminded of the many times that I too have been tossed by the storms of life, just like my beautiful broken shell…it has nothing to hide..it doesn’t pretend to be perfect or whole…it’s brokenness is clear for everyone to see.

Lord, may I be strong enough to show my pain and brokenness like this shell.  May I give myself permission to hurt…to cry…may I have the courage to risk sharing my feelings with others…help me to reach out to others who have been tossed and broken…may I listen…comfort…and love all who pass my way.  Thank you Lord for embracing me even though I am broken…thank You for holding me in the palm of Your hand and giving me the strength and courage to go on…let me not destroy the beauty of today by grieving over yesterday…or worrying about tomorrow.” - My Beautiful Broken Shell by Carol Hamblet Adams

I’m enjoying my shells today…appreciating great beauty even in the broken ones…

Broken Shells

December 20, 2009

Running away from home…

Filed under: Uncategorized — admin @ 5:34 am

Today we run away…away from this house with all it’s Christmas morning memories…though we know the memories will come with us…

It will be a huge day.  Tom left for church at 7:30 band practice - I’m not able to get going that early today…I’ll join him at 10:30.  We’ll grab lunch afterward with some friends who have agreed to take us to the airport.  Our flight goes out at 4:00 and we’ll arrive in Ft. Myers about 8:30 tonight.

My stomach is doing flips this morning.  I’m both nervous and excited…happy and sad…

Yesterday marked 10 months since Ian passed.  We miss him so much we ache.  Our thoughts bounce between our temporal truth and his eternal truth…our loss is his great gain.  Each end of that “ping pong match” brings tears…tears of sorrow and tears of relief…yes, tissues are a constant part of our lives these days.

Thanks for your grace in receiving even our tears…they cleanse the wounds of our hearts and bring healing…

Thanks for your prayers for us as we travel…the environment will be beautiful and will remind us of eternal things…our thoughts will be even more heavenward this week.  Please pray for rest, for our marriage as we cling together through this difficult “first”, and for peace.

Have a blessed Christmas…

~deb & tom

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