Deb’s Journey…

I’m so excited about Tom’s birthday party coming up this Friday night and have done my best to spread the word and cast the net wide - I hope you have heard from us, but in case you haven’t and are in the Twin Cities area, this is your official invite to join us.   The open house will be “Totally 80’s”.

After so much stress (we feel like we’ve aged a decade in the last two years)  it will be fun to be surrounded by loved ones and the  sights and sounds of our high school years.  Tom’s such an amazing man - hope you can come out to celebrate his birthday with us.

With it being holiday weekend we know there are so many other things calling out -we are very honored by those who are able to bring their presence.   I’ve finished the Pac Man board, so come and gobble a dot or two (cupcakes)

The invitation is my favorite part of event planning  - there’s just something about asking everyone we know to come…I love that.   Sometimes of the year, space doesn’t allow us to cast the net as wide as we would like to, but that’s what’s so wonderful about this time of the year, we can spill into the great outdoors and it’s supposed to be a beautiful night on Friday.  Please feel free to include anyone that we might have accidentally overlooked…so if you know and love Tom and are free on Friday night 9/3 come and celebrate with us at an open house from 7:00 - 10:00.

Let us know if you have any questions.  We hope to see you there.

Love,

Deb & Tom

I had an MRI yesterday and they found I have a ruptured disc in my lumbar spine…I will consult with a specialist on Friday.

People keep asking me what did you do?  Did you fall? Did you have an accident?  The answer is…I’m not really sure specifically what I did to cause this, but I do know I’ve been carrying a “heavy load” for much too long.

Carrying too heavy of a burden takes it’s toll in a number of ways.  I’ll confess that during my son’s illness and passing, I was successful at rolling the burden onto the LORD.   He carried us all through that time.  But somehow over the last year I’ve been trying to carry more myself and am failing miserably.  It’s been taking a toll on my mind and soul and now  is even attacking my body.  “It hurts when I do that” -  “Well, DON’T do that!”

It’s not rocket science…so why is it sometimes the most difficult to grasp and act on the simplest truth?   Deb, just stop trying to carry what you cannot carry!  Remember when God says “Don’t” He means “Don’t hurt yourself”…

“Cast your burden on the Lord -releasing the weight of it and He will sustain you…^{“  -Psalm 55:22  (Amplified Bible)}

“Come to Me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest.  Become My servants and learn from Me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls.  Serving Me is easy, and My load is light..^{“  -Matthew 11:28-30 (NIRV)}

My grandfather would say “It’ll feel better when it stops hurting”…

I just read a little article from a section in the Sunday paper called Parade.com/backpage  the author was talking about a conversation she had with the woman next to her on an airplane.

“I lost my husband last year,” she said softly.  “He died.  Last year.”  She recited the simple facts of an unthinkable horror…”Some days,” she said, “I still can’t believe this is happening.”  When her friends ask how she’s doing, “I tell them I’m fine,” she said, shrugging her shoulders.  “I know that’s what they need to hear.  They want it to be over.”  She looked down at her lap, smoothed the folds of her long skirt.  “I want it to be over too”, she said.  “It just doesn’t seem to work that way.”

She echoed my heart so clearly and somehow it felt good to read that and know I’m not alone in my feelings.  We survived the first year and yes, we celebrated that fact…but that doesn’t mean it’s over and that doesn’t mean we’re “fine”.  Sometimes I don’t share my aching heart and my unrealized dreams because there isn’t anything any human can do about it…though I’ll confess sometimes I wish more often that His grace would come through compassionate, listening ears…

Sunday was the two year mark of “D” day…Ian’s diagnosis…it feels like an eternity ago and just yesterday at the same time…the roller coaster ride of emotions makes me nauseous sometimes.

As if the calendar wanted us to remember the hard date, the car blew up on our way home from church.  Something went “pop” and smoke started to roll out from under the hood…thankfully we go to church with a great guy who works for an auto shop nearby and they were able to tow the car in and fix it.

We had received a notice on Friday from the IRS that “we figured our taxes wrong”…made my heart stop… but then I read on and discovered they were going to send us 3x the refund amount we thought we would receive -really?  The check arrived in the mail Monday afternoon and we put it in the bank on the way to pick up the car where we ended up paying  just slightly less than the extra amount God so generously provided - just in time.  He’s never late, but He has a habit of dramatically showing up at the moment we need Him - riding in to save the day with a great flourish.

Sometimes life really stinks and I focus my attention on the lousy stuff going on and then by the grace of God He provides a way so that we can stand up under it.   It doesn’t mean that the bad stuff won’t happen…which is frankly what I wish…it only means that God faithfully provides & protects when bad stuff does happen.

That message of His redemptive ways is so much easier for me to share than my heartaches over the areas of my life that are not yet redeemed…those places that are painfully unfair while we live life between the bookends must not remain my focus and yet I confess many days I don’t stand up under them…I fall on my knees and need Him to get back up.   Grief is a hard and lonely journey…one that my Lord knows very well… “Fine” is a very relative term…

This morning I went to a lovely nursery with one of my dearest friends.  She has walked so faithfully with me through my personal “garden of Gethsemane”  and this morning she took me on an adventure to help me choose some new life for a little shade garden in my back yard.

Growing up there were lilacs & peonies in our yard-I loved them and always wanted to live in a home where there were lilacs & peonies this time of the year.  A little over a month ago a friend called to say she had two lilac bushes that she didn’t have room for she was wondering if I might like them.  I was blessed, though a little anxious as ‘ve never planted anything before.   Tom dug the holes and we followed her careful instructions and have enjoyed the most lovely lilacs this year…I’ve wept often at this beautiful provision.  How dear it is to have something new blooming after a long hard winter season.  This morning I bought 3 peony bushes to complete this dream - they have the promise of blooms on them already…how sweet to my heart.

For the shade garden out back  I found “ostrich” ferns (Tom loves ostriches), and “blue mouse ears” hostas (Ian loved mice) along with sweet smelling “lilies of the valley”.  Another sweet friend who has journeyed with me will be sharing some other hostas with us as well.  This “shade garden” will remind me of the valley that the Lord has brought us through and that there was gentle beauty even in those shady places.

Much of the last year has been a journey inward for me - some would consider that selfish.   I’ll confess I have wrestled with judging myself the same way, but I am learning that a healthy outward journey isn’t really possible without a cleansing, healing,  inward journey of renewal  alone with the Great Physician.

As I seek to understand, to make sense of my life now and ask the Lord what the next steps are,  I’ve been looking back at my own life’s story.  I’m examining the “cuts” that came into my life. I do this not because I’m a dark person or because there weren’t excellent, fun, lovely things that also happened to me- but because so often it’s the cuts/wounds/broken places  and how we deal with them that shape us into who we are and affect the way that we react to others around us.  I need to fully examine these to see if there are still places that need the Lord’s cleansing & healing balm and to examine how I am still being held back/ trapped by those places.  I want to “throw off what so easily entangles” be healed and free to continue running the race set before me.

My parents were high school sweethearts who married young (mom was 19, dad had been 20 for 2 days)…they had my older brother after 10 months, I arrived 21 months later and my younger brother arrived 26 months later.  Dad worked very hard at a meat packing plant on the kill floor butchering hogs often for 10 hours a day which allowed mom to be at home with us.  We lived in a quiet neighborhood in a small, central Iowa town 3 blocks from our grade school.  Both sets of grandparents lived within 20 miles and we saw them regularly.  My first 5 years were pretty gentle…

• When I was in first grade my appendix ruptured, I nearly died and spent 6 weeks in the hospital with a long recovery.
• The following year my paternal grandfather died.
• Dad had a very hard time coping with his long hours of difficult labor combined with his grief…his way of coping was to self medicate with sugar - including liquid sugar (alcohol).  He was diabetic at a young age (early 40’s) and struggled with both depression and anger issues.  During my school years, dad’s health challenges were a major factor in our home and I grew up feeling afraid, unprotected, alone and often unwanted/unloved.  In his anger, dad often said hurtful things that cut deep - it felt impossible to please him no matter how hard I tried.
• In grade school a neighbor girl sexually abused me many times.
• I experienced recurring nightmares for several years.
• To deal with my own pain and confusion, food became a source of comfort for me, I too was addicted to sugar (though not alcohol).
• As a result of that addiction,  I was a heavy girl which helped to make Jr. High & High School especially challenging socially.
• When I was 19 my best friend and her unborn child died suddenly.
• Two weeks following my friend’s death, my fiance broke up with me.
• In the 4th year of marriage my dad died suddenly.  Having been closer in my more adult years - I felt this loss acutely.
• The following spring we miscarried twins at 13 weeks.
• Two weeks after our son was born Tom got laid off and  had 7 jobs in the next 2 years.
• In the 13th year of our marriage our only child died of cancer at age 7 yrs. 7 mos.

Each of those things have shaped me and have left scars that are still sensitive.  I can become very protective and sometimes aggressively defensive when they are accidentally bumped by unsuspecting others.

All of us have things that happened in our lives that shaped who we are today - your list looks different than mine, but you do have one.   Sometimes the hard things that happen can set us back and stunt our growth.  I definitely feel like a “late bloomer” and I  get really frustrated and impatient with the slow progress that I’m making- but I do believe that with God’s help I am making progress.

Pastor Scott has been taking us through a book called “Only You Can Be You” - it’s been a major challenge to me in this area, but in a good way.  I’ve found myself in many of the pages.  The first 7 chapters are on surrender - truly I thought I had surrendered everything - I was wrong.  The book encourages examining the areas of our lives  - the private messages that play in our heads, the longings and cravings we have, the many wounds and scars, our dreams and desires and how we see ourselves… taking them out of the mothballs and really looking at them and laying them all at the feet of Jehovah - Rapha - the Lord that heals.  The author compares this with moving - when we move we have to touch everything in our homes and do something with it…it’s a long and painful process when we don’t want to re-pack and drag around junk with us forever.  Sorting through a lifetime of junk takes time and energy.

I can also wrestle with feeling like the difficult painful circumstances in my life are somehow my own personal failures…that I somehow caused them.  Of course that’s not true but it is a lie that I must combat on a regular basis.

Reading Donald Miller’s blog yesterday about Owning up to our Successes… he challenged us to take a piece of paper and begin listing our successes…at the top I wrote “walking Ian Thomas safely Home”….began to weep and put the pencil down.

I want my life to matter…I long for significant purpose…an important and lasting contribution to make -  especially now that my “legacy” isn’t going to look as I thought.  I wrestle with my weaknesses and long to be healed yet I recognize that God shows up in my weaknesses too…His power is made perfect there.  How I long to be on the other side of this dark valley…yet I do know He is with me even here, even now.

This “transition season” is long and painfully hard and I am weary.  Yes God has a plan -I do believe that, but I’m impatient, He isn’t telling me what it is and I’m ready to pull all my hair out!

I’m wrestling through anger, frustration, confusion, deep loneliness and weariness… I’ve been asked to surrender my precious treasure…asked to surrender all the dreams and hopes that surrounded having a son… to surrender so many relationships that were part of my life because of him…to surrender my daily role, routines and duties…I’ve sacrificed greatly…made major adjustments…for all outward appearances this past year has been “gentle” and yet truly the war has  entered the deeper recesses of my heart…others are unaware of my private agony…it’s a bloody battle, long and hard…

Lord, I’m really tired of  battle…ready to have life be peaceful & easy for awhile…wanting to have dear gentle ones  surround me who love me and are trustworthy…want to have an essential role to play…need to be needed…need to love others and be loved in return…need to feel and be safe.

Show me Lord what You have for me…I don’t want to come up with my own plan and then ask You to bless it…I want You to share the plan You have had from the very beginning for my life…it’s not like there isn’t a master plan…I know You have one…won’t You please give me a glimpse of it?  Lead me into all You have for me…open doors no one can shut…bring divine appointments into my life…guide me, show me, teach me, I’m trying so hard to keep my hands open before You…You’ve emptied my hands, surely You will fill them…give me courage while I wait…show me if there are still areas in my heart that I haven’t surrendered…bring your gentle, faithful ones around me …thanks Lord!

“The first time I heard You call my name I saw the man that I could be My life was like a gift that You gave to me

But now I’m haunted by the memory of a promise I thought I heard from You and I’m not as sure of all the things I thought that I once knew

But I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up so everyday I keep on fighting for it show me again what I was made for help me to see how You’re moving me

It’s hard for me to walk by faith in the face of all that I can see sometimes I fear I’m just a fool for my belief but then I feel You come and move in me I hear You whisper in my ear and for a moment I can see just how You brought me here

And I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up so everyday I keep on fighting for it show me again what I was made for help me believeYou’re still moving me

With each passing glimpse of Your promise You’re leading me on don’t let me falter now…I don’t believe You brought me this far to give up so everyday I keep on fighting for it sometimes it’s hard to tell if I’m faithful or a fool to believeYou’re still moving me- help me to see how You’re moving me I still believe ‘Cause You’ve carried me this far…” - This Far by Jason Gray

“The opposite of love is not hate - it’s indifference” - Elie Weisel

“Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody- I think that is a much greater hunger- a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.“  - Mother Teresa

True or perceived doesn’t really matter because the end result is the same… being or even feeling ignored, overlooked, forgotten, abandoned, excluded i.e. other people’s indifference makes a person feel unwanted, unloved and uncared for.  This creates a deep hunger & thirst - a desolate poverty of the soul.

I recognize this poverty not only in my own life, but also in the lives of others.   Perhaps we are not even consciously aware of it, perhaps we fill this emptiness with addictions or entertainments that never satisfy, perhaps we have been dehydrated in our wilderness for so long that we don’t even recognize the symptoms anymore…I am deeply saddened and frustrated that this amazing poverty goes unnoticed or unacknowledged and therefore unassisted.

Jesus alone has the Living water that slakes the thirst of the soul.  Jesus alone can feed the multitudes…His love alone must fill, quench and satisfy.   Yet, if He does not come to us through His Body…if His hands are not reaching out…if His feet refuse to go… how will the world know Him?  Doesn’t He still work through His Church - His Family?

_____________________

Listening to James MacDonald today… he spoke to this …he was talking about understanding God’s ways…his text was II Kings 4: 1-7 about the widow’s oil… when I acknowledge a need, God asks me to bring what I have…He will use and fill empty things I offer to Him.  God asks me to do what I can and trust that He will do what I cannot…so my heart began to question - “What do I have?”  &  “Have I offered it to Him?”

***I share this journal entry in the hopes that others will speak into it their thoughts and observations…

Processing through my idealistic views of how life “should be” or even “could be”…the great potential that exists…the way that scriptures say we should live and treat one another. What wonderful possibilities…

I am deeply disappointed though that so many around me seem unaware of the discrepancies between how things are vs. how they could be.   Even if they are aware of the discrepancies they seem unwilling to try to bridge the gap- even in their own lives…unwilling to try to move closer to the ideal…sadly they don’t even appear to have a desire to…

I am very, very far from being a perfect individual…my heart has been crushed,  I’m broken and bruised.  God is always showing me areas where I need healing, my thoughts, motives and actions that don’t measure up because the line of perfection is sky high - yet, I do desire to move towards that line as fast as possible…I do desire to learn as much as I can and try to be all I can be…I do recognize that because of my belief in Christ I am no longer what I was, but that daily He is making me new and daily I want to throw off more of the old and keep becoming what He wants me to be…

The attitude of “It’s impossible so why should I try?” baffles me…I see this even among those who say they believe in the Lord…somehow they seem to have forgotten that with God all things are possible and that His goal in our lives is to conform us to the image of His Son.  God’s love is a “perfecting love”…which means at some point we will be “perfect” -that is the end goal- so we should keep moving toward it.  Does that mean that somehow in our own strength, striving and trying we can achieve it? – NO!- I recognize that…but it doesn’t mean we should apathetically roll over and give up either! We do absolutely have a choice that we must intentionally make all the time to yield to the process…lay down/surrender our agendas so that He can fill our empty/open hands with what He desires for us … His dreams and good plans for our lives…and then when He shows us, we must choose to step into that.

The fatalistic view of “I’ll try this thing” that I thought up hastily & haphazardly that lacks proper preparation and the fullness of God’s authorship & timing…the impatience of that and the unwillingness to seek God’s perfect will and wait for His timing but instead “I’m going to try this, oh but don’t worry, I don’t expect it to work anyway”)… that depth of defeat deeply saddens & perplexes yes- it angers me! Why spend energy & resources that direction?

I don’t claim to have all the answers, but I know the One who does…and walking through the hottest parts of the fire & deepest valley with Him has helped me to know that I don’t want to be even one step ahead of Him!  I want to walk exactly where He tells me and exactly when He tells me anything else is foolish at best, eternally disastrous at worst.

We’ve spent the last 18 months or so alone with God – just Tom & I (& my dear sweet mother for part of that road)…others walked near and prayed us through, but God has kept us so close to Him - kind of like “intensive care with the Great Physician”.

I’m deeply saddened by the broken, suffering, wounded hearts which are sometimes bitter and angry that are all around us…they do not know who they are or whose they are…they do not know where they are going and they wander aimlessly with downcast hearts…they feel hopeless & helpless yet they do not even acknowledge that.  They put on masks and claim they are “fine” and yet they are empty and just surviving.  That is not the abundant life that Christ desires for us and yet I do fully understand how it feels and how it happens - I have been there.  Yet I don’t understand why they choose to settle for it?  I wonder how I can help… I heard once “you can’t change what you won’t acknowledge”…sadly I cannot save, help or change them unless they recognize their condition & choose to change…even then, I don’t have the power to fix it - God’s power (not mine)  is made perfect in weakness, so I can’t fix it, but I could walk in encouragement while they go to the top floor to get treatments from the Great Physician…

I’m tired of death –  tired of just surviving!  I want to do more than just breathe out and breathe in – I want to LIVE ABUNDANTLY!   I want to know God’s purposes for my life…Jesus said He came that we may have life, and have it abundantly…He laid down His life for that reason…I want to take Him up on that offer…Jesus said He is the Way, the Truth and the Life…so I can find true life only in Him and in His will for me…I must lay down my ideas about what I thought life was…I must lose my life in order to find the life He has for me…  Jesus help me!

Today my inner life mirrored the weather…a thunderstorm violently erupted this morning and it hailed. Strong rain fell then seemed to exhaust itself as the day wore on. After such an outburst I desperately wanted the sun, yet the skies remained gray and it felt damp and cold. Yes the weather much too closely mirrored my heart today.

I’m in a transition time…life has, for better or for worse started over and in the midst of the fog I cannot see the next step…and so I have no choice but to wait…yet I’ll confess feeling cold and frightened…I opened an old devotional tonight and found this word…a good word for me right now. Thought I’d share it just in case any one else needs this word also…

HOPE WAITS…by Indeed Magazine

“My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning…” - Psalm 130:6

The soul has cries we often cannot hear. We meet people daily who are composed on the outside and wounded within. We too know how to put our game face on for the public when we’re in deep pain.

We don’t share our pain well because we’re afraid of what others will think of the real person inside, so the soul cries - quietly, pitifully, but deeply. But there is no hiding from God. He hears. He has ears of mercy that never let cries from the depths go unnoticed. It doesn’t matter how deep the depths are, God is close and His hearing is perfect. The soul is bare before Him.

Psalm 130 gives us the appropriate posture of a broken soul. There’s no pretense, no positioning just honesty. And when the soul is so bare, there is nothing left but waiting. We can’t pressure God because we have no leverage against Him. We can’t induce Him because we have nothing to offer. In the depths, broken souls have nothing but hope in the One who hears. And hope waits.

You’ve likely been in the depths, and you’ll likely be there again. Perhaps you are there now. Look for God like the watchman looks for the morning. The watchman knows the sun will rise; there is no question in his mind. He may not enjoy the dark of night, but he knows it will end. The night is never permanent and the daylight never fails to come. Likewise, your depths are not permanent and light will come. God will rise on your behalf at the appointed hour. Like the watchman you can wait for Him in certain hope.

You can pray your anguish with absolute certainty that He hears, He loves and the morning is coming soon” - Indeed Magazine.

Hosea 6:3

Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge Him.
As surely as the sun rises,
He will appear;
He will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.”