Deb’s Journey…

Before I was a wife and mother, I was a nanny.  I’ll confess that though I find them physically exhausting, preschoolers are among my favorite people.  One of the biggest things I miss about spending my days with a child is seeing life through their eyes.  Children look at things so freshly.  They view everything for the first time…they notice the details that we overlook.  They see beauty and find joy in what we have come to consider common.

Our friend, S.D. Smith wrote a wonderful piece this week in the Rabbit Room.  http://www.rabbitroom.com/2012/01/the-sad-evaporation-of-wonder-and-its-ancient-antidote/

In his post he expresses the idea that being thankful is the pathway to recovering wonder.  I love this idea and have spent time dwelling on it over the past couple of days.  In counting my blessings, I’ve indeed found a renewed sense of joy, awe and wonder…

I remember when Ian was about two and I took him to an indoor playground one dark winter day. (Yes, in Minnesota it’s very necessary to have indoor playgrounds :-).  It was his first time there and being an only child, he dearly loved to watch other children.  He was content, no, he was delighted to play near them.  Though he hesitated to play with them, he watched, listened and copied them.   Squeals of laughter rang from him as he would race over, flinging himself at me and thank me for the fun he was having.  That was his first trip there, but it wasn’t his last.   His thankfulness flowed out of his joy.

When Tom and I were first dating we loved to go to concerts, we still do. Acoustic artists with a folk or pop sound have consistently been our favorites. In those early years we loved Lowen & Navarro. One of their songs has danced in my mind today…

Through A Child’s Eyes…by Eric Lowen and Dan Navarro 1995

“Throw back your head and laugh again you make me glad to be alive!

I feel the weight of a thousand heartaches leave me with your simple smile.

So many changes I’ve been through completely faded from my view.

I saw you through a child’s eyes and all your innocence came into my life now my darkest night is coming to an end since I began to see through a child’s eyes again.

When did I let go of the part of me that used to live for everyday?

Cos it’s been too long now that I have grown, I’ve gotten lost along the way.

You turned the pages back for me, to the way I used to be.

I saw you through a child’s eyes and all your innocence came into my life now my darkest night is coming to an end since I began to see through a child’s eyes again.”

Yes, the view through a child’s eyes is filled with awe and wonder – oh to see things with such clarity again!

We love Jason Gray and he encouraged us to read the Rabbit Room.   It’s a blog where many Christian writers, artists and musicians share their work.  We have found such grace and truth in their writings so when the opportunity came to be among them, even for a short while, we jumped at the chance.  Tom and I had the joy of going on a retreat with many of the Rabbit Room contributors in Nashville this past weekend called “Hutchmoot”.

We signed up and have been looking forward to this since February and now…it’s over.  But even though the bags are put away and the clothes are washed, we’ll be unpacking treasures for many days to come.

I’ve never considered myself “a writer” yet during our journey in walking our son Ian Home I found great solace in writing.  Since his passing though much of what I’ve written has been far too raw to share.   I’ve wrestled with Psalm 73:14-15…

Dr. Greg Bourgond has been Tom’s mentor for the past 5 years.  Tonight Tom is giving a presentation in his college class about his worldview and  is sharing how Dr. Bourgond and Heart of a Warrior Ministries helped him better solidify his beliefs.  God has worked through Greg’s teaching and mentorship to help prepare Tom to lead Ian and I through the battle.   Greg spoke a blessing over Tom’s life which encouraged Tom to write and speak a blessing over Ian’s life.

If you’d like to watch Tom give his blessing to Ian, you can see it here.

Last fall we were so honored and delighted to have Dr. Bourgond join us at Tom’s 40th birthday party to sign a copies of his first book called “A Rattling of Sabers:  Preparing Your Heart for Life’s Battles”.

Now, this week as we’ve been celebrating Ian’s 10th birthday Dr. Bourgond has just released his second book entitled “Papa’s Blessings:  The Gifts that Keep Giving”

“Every human being longs for the affirmation, acceptance, and esteem of someone who matters to them. Sadly, most of us never hear the words we long to hear—words of appreciation, esteem, recognition, and value. In Papa’s Blessings, author Dr. Greg Bourgond focuses on the vital importance of bestowing blessings upon others. This practical and helpful guide provides a fresh take on applying an ancient practice to life in the modern world. Bourgond establishes the importance of blessing, identifies the eight essential components of a meaningful blessing, provides multiple examples of blessings, describes how to administer a blessing, explains the legacy of blessings, and includes a worksheet for developing and giving a blessing. He combines biblical references, illustrations, and personal and emotional stories to show it’s never too late or too early to give a blessing to those who long for one—beginning with your loved ones and continuing with those who come within your sphere of influence. The world can be a cold and unforgiving place, and Papa’s Blessings helps prepare our loved ones by giving them something that will sustain them on the difficult journey before them—a blessing.”

I received a message from Dr. Bourgond this afternoon and he mentioned that he has included our sweet Ian in this new book…what an incredible honor and blessing!

Thank you…”Papa!”

-  Strength and Honor

I just received an e-mail that has turned me into a giddy school girl.  It was from someone I’ve never met, but have admired and enjoyed from afar.  The e-mail was a personal  invitation  into a private facebook group of 99 other people that I’ve admired and enjoyed from afar.  Oh, my very favorite thing in all the world to receive…a personal invitation.  How honoring to be singled out, chosen, pursued, included, wanted…what a delightful gift!  My YES was immediate!  Suddenly my face was among theirs on the screen.  I was admitted within their private  “group”.  Happy dance of joy!  I’m in!

Well…now what?  I feel like Cinderella in her rags standing at the entrance to the ball.  It seems kind of creepy to just scurry off into a corner with the other mice, silently observing them.  Yet am I truly brave enough to draw any attention to myself?  Hmm….nope, quiet corner here I come!  For now I’m content just being this close to these honored guests.  How wonderful to have this opportunity.  Tom and I’ll be with these same people for 4 days in September at a conference in Nashville.  Hopefully this easing in will calm my anxious heart.  Currently though the very thought of being physically among them makes me nauseous, fear and doubts assail that they will discover my presence and realize what a mistake has been made in including me, recognizing I don’t belong and then they will throw me out in disgrace.

Ugh.  These people are learned, word smiths, authors, writers of songs that make the young girls cry, turning phrases for a living.  I’m such a fool and as soon as I open my mouth they will know that…there’s no help for it…where’s Henry Higgins when you need him?

“Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent and discerning if they hold their tongues.” ~Proverbs 17:28  Perhaps I’ll be safe if I can just keep quiet.  Where is the duct tape?

If I speak my tendency will be to gush all over them about how great I think they are and how they’ve really touched me with their writings and how their stories have crossed mine and how God has used them to help me see things from a better perspective and how that has made it easier to cope in my grief and to step forward when I didn’t otherwise have the courage.  They’ll think I’m a raving lunatic fan who is also charity case…dare I hope that they would realize that I’m a broken human being who was starving and dying of thirst and am grateful to have stumbled across them in my desert wanderings and found them to be sources of overflowing living water and daily bread…unknowing mentors and givers of grace?

I recognize my tendency toward hero worship here and am trying not to linger there.  I also fully recognize that the nourishment I’ve received from them is flowing through the cracks in their beautiful jars of clay…yep, they are a bunch of cracked pots, every one of them…this all-surpassing power that flows through them is from God and not from them.  (2 Corinthians 4:7)  Ah yes, the Potter’s vessels fashioned for honorable use…vs. my vessel fashioned for common use.  (Romans 9:21).  The china tea cups and the chamber pot…

Yet I read within their writings an underlying message of a God who transforms…who takes broken, shattered vessels and reshapes them into works of art and makes them new…ah, as long as redemption is possible… HOPE remains…

I have been invited to the ball!  Oh please dear God clothe me properly before I go…and if you will, please teach me to dance…

This week two years ago was our final week with Ian.  Memories of those days are some of the hardest…so broken…so needy.  I’ve purposefully sheltered others from the “pictures” of him that way wanting instead for them to remember him in his health…hoping that thinking of him as “whole and well” would aid in their thoughts of him now.  Too when Tom and I went to see a grief counselor she advised us not to “live in the trauma” but rather to bring our favorite memories of Ian forward.  In someways that advice has been a blessing because it has given me permission to put aside the hardest memories and focus instead on easier ones.  Still in other ways I can’t help but wonder if doing that has been somehow a disservice.   The final days were so very hard and yet…they were also some of the most truly beautiful days of my life…days filled with the presence, peace and provision of Christ…He shined through the broken places and brought light into the darkness.

Last year we were doing the well project with World Vision and having a house concert with Jason Gray.  This year on Saturday we will be going with Ian’s Mouseketeers to Feed My Starving Children.  Many of the meals packed there end up in Haiti.  One little orphanage there that receives FMSC meals has grabbed my heart.

God’s Children in Haiti these little ones have lived through an earthquake and the loss of parents and most recently Cholera.    They are God’s children…and He is with them providing for their greatest needs.   He has invited me to join Him in that work by planning a benefit concert with all proceeds benefiting these orphans.

Jason Gray will be coming to do the benefit concert on Friday, April 29th at 7:00 pm at our church livingWATERS.  Please join us in prayer for this event.  If you feel led, please visit the website http://www.godschildreninhaiti.com/ You can donate to them directly.  There is no charge to attend the benefit concert, but seating is limited…so if you would like to come to the concert please let us know so we can save you a seat.  E-mail:   ROCK@livingwaterslakeville.com

Thanks for the many kind wishes this week.  Thanks for remembering our sweet Ian!

Love to you - deb

Before bed each night we would ask Ian a series of questions and then pray with him.  One question we asked was “Whose little boy are you?”…his answer “I’m God’s little boy”…then we would tease and tickle and say, “No, you’re our little boy” and we’d all laugh and then agree that he was right…he’s God’s little boy.

Another question we asked was “Who loves you?”…his answer “Jesus loves me”…then we would tease and laugh and say “Yes, but we love you too” and he would laugh and say…”Yes but your arms are only “this” long and Jesus’s arms are so much bigger…He’s here all the time even when you can’t be”…and we’d kiss him and pray with him and thank Jesus for always loving him and being with him even when we couldn’t be and we’d ask Jesus to watch over him for us and give him a good night’s sleep.

He was secure in who he was and secure in who loved him…he was not afraid because Jesus was with him.

A deep part of me needed him to know that and believe that from the bottom of his heart…perhaps because I’ve spent so many years wrestling with these questions…spent too much time afraid and insecure.  Yet the answers to these two questions are the bedrock that I have to return to on a regular basis as I walk through life.

Parent’s are only human.  They don’t love perfectly…they make mistakes…they cannot be there all the time.  Children need to have security and courage to face what life throws at them…because this world is cruel and has great aim.

I’m God’s girl and Jesus loves me!

What a great weekend.  Thanks to all who loved on Tom this weekend and honored us both by helping us celebrate his birthday…very great!  What refreshing and renewing connections we have had this weekend including a wonderful, healing, authentic, grace-filled conversation last night with one of our mentors…I’m convinced that heaven will be like that all the time - can’t wait!

Many have asked the same question this weekend and I so appreciated their love and support I want to just answer this freshly,  “Deb, How are you?”

I’ll be entering a study this fall called “First Place for Health” - and part of my homework is to evaluate these areas of my life and to determine some goals for each area - the primary goal being to put Jesus first.  So I’m doing my “homework”

Physically - I injured my lumbar spine in the final days of Ian’s life while helping with his care.  My L5 disc ruptured and has been causing pain in my low back and numbness in my feet for the past 18 + months.  Over the last couple of months I have received a series of 3 epidural steroid injections and they have provided partial & temporary relief, but I am currently looking at the possibility of having surgery late this fall to hopefully relieve the nerve problems and to fuse two of my lumbar vertebra together.  That would hopefully help long term regarding pain and allow me to start rebuilding the physical strength I have lost.  Hopefully too will allow for more activity and overall healthier lifestyle.  I’ll start a caring bridge site if surgery becomes a reality in order to keep people posted.

Spiritually - I have spent the past several months in solitude.  Solitude has at times been lonely, but mostly has been really great.  I’ve questioned and yelled at God & poured my heart out to Him.  He has been gracious to me, has wiped my tears and has renewed my hope.  Never have I spent such intense days with Him.   Through much private study, personal worship time, and extensive prayer times the Lord has been my faithful comforter & friend.  He is healing my aching broken heart one day at a time.  I took an excellent Beth Moore study called “Breaking Free” this summer that has walked well with my healing journey and this fall I think I will be taking another Beth Moore study called “Believing God” which will help me to grow in my trust of Him and in the truth of His word.

Emotionally - It’s sometimes hard for me to separate this area from the other areas because this seems to overlap all areas…my “emotions” aren’t overly reliable because my feelings change regularly and run the full spectrum.  My desire would be to release the negative emotions and embrace more joy, peace & hope.  I think that the continued healing journey in all areas will support that goal.

Mentally - This is where renewal and healing begin.  Much of my mental journey has been hard, honest evaluation of my past.  I don’t want to remain in the past, but it has made sense to me that it is necessary to take a good hard honest look at where I’ve been,  and the condition of what remains in order to rebuild.  Part of this evaluation has included many books (silent mentors), a wonderful Christian counselor and faithful mentors.  The day to day, minute to minute taking my negative thoughts prisoner and replacing them with positive thoughts will continue forever.

I’m looking forward to this fall and feel that even though there may be some challenging days ahead especially physically, I believe I am right where God wants me and that this is just one more step on the healing path He has me on.   My prayer is that I will emerge not only stronger, but deeper…

“What are you doing these days?”

I spend quiet, gentle days “healing”… a good deal of time reading & studying scripture and faith based books.  I also listen to podcast teachings of Christian leaders and recording artists.  I see my counselor once a week, go for walks and have lunches with friends.  Please connect with me if you would like to get on my calendar for lunch. 

This fall we will continue to host our couples small group every other Friday night.  I will also be part of two ladies groups in the evenings Tuesdays & Thursdays.    I’ll be attending the Women of Faith conference and Tom and I have tickets for the Make a Difference tour in Oct. with  Michael W. Smith, Toby Mac, Third Day and Max Lucado - our friend Jason Gray will be opening for them - we’re very excited!

A note about Tom:  In addition to working full time,  Tom will be headed back to college this fall to finish his degree in Business Management - he’s a very busy guy!

I’m so excited about Tom’s birthday party coming up this Friday night and have done my best to spread the word and cast the net wide - I hope you have heard from us, but in case you haven’t and are in the Twin Cities area, this is your official invite to join us.   The open house will be “Totally 80’s”.

After so much stress (we feel like we’ve aged a decade in the last two years)  it will be fun to be surrounded by loved ones and the  sights and sounds of our high school years.  Tom’s such an amazing man - hope you can come out to celebrate his birthday with us.

With it being holiday weekend we know there are so many other things calling out -we are very honored by those who are able to bring their presence.   I’ve finished the Pac Man board, so come and gobble a dot or two (cupcakes)

The invitation is my favorite part of event planning  - there’s just something about asking everyone we know to come…I love that.   Sometimes of the year, space doesn’t allow us to cast the net as wide as we would like to, but that’s what’s so wonderful about this time of the year, we can spill into the great outdoors and it’s supposed to be a beautiful night on Friday.  Please feel free to include anyone that we might have accidentally overlooked…so if you know and love Tom and are free on Friday night 9/3 come and celebrate with us at an open house from 7:00 - 10:00.

Let us know if you have any questions.  We hope to see you there.

Love,

Deb & Tom

I had an MRI yesterday and they found I have a ruptured disc in my lumbar spine…I will consult with a specialist on Friday.

People keep asking me what did you do?  Did you fall? Did you have an accident?  The answer is…I’m not really sure specifically what I did to cause this, but I do know I’ve been carrying a “heavy load” for much too long.

Carrying too heavy of a burden takes it’s toll in a number of ways.  I’ll confess that during my son’s illness and passing, I was successful at rolling the burden onto the LORD.   He carried us all through that time.  But somehow over the last year I’ve been trying to carry more myself and am failing miserably.  It’s been taking a toll on my mind and soul and now  is even attacking my body.  “It hurts when I do that” -  “Well, DON’T do that!”

It’s not rocket science…so why is it sometimes the most difficult to grasp and act on the simplest truth?   Deb, just stop trying to carry what you cannot carry!  Remember when God says “Don’t” He means “Don’t hurt yourself”…

“Cast your burden on the Lord -releasing the weight of it and He will sustain you…^{“  -Psalm 55:22  (Amplified Bible)}

“Come to Me, all of you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest.  Become My servants and learn from Me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls.  Serving Me is easy, and My load is light..^{“  -Matthew 11:28-30 (NIRV)}

My grandfather would say “It’ll feel better when it stops hurting”…